Stay and pay – or walk away – only you can answer the question?

Hello to all and welcome back to the ABTY Blog,

As my regular readers know, I have been on a journey of discovery for the past few weeks and this has included attending a number of workshops. And during these workshops I have had some incredibly insightful moments – many of which I will be sharing with you over the next few weeks.

And this particular insight was for me truly profound, as I have seen this situation repeated over and over and over again in recent years with various friends, acquaintances and even strangers [ yes - people often pour out their hearts to me in the oddest of places - bars, cafes, buses, trains, aeroplanes etc ha ah ha ]  - all over the world.

So it is clearly a big issue.

And the issue is this one question:

Stay and Pay – Or Walk Away? 

I have been quite shocked over recent years, with the number of people who have expressed to me a deep unhappiness for the situations in which they are living.

A deep unhappiness with the people with whom they are living.

A deep sense of resignation for the life circumstances they have set up for themselves.

A deep longing for something else and regret for the choices they have made.

And my question has always been ” Well –  why do you not simply walk away and create a life and circumstance that you do enjoy? ”

Usually the answer is the same, and a variation of one of these themes:

” But what about the children – I have to stay for them! [ even though they can see that both Mummy and Daddy are miserable and not enjoying life ] ”

” But I wouldn’t know what to do without that person in my life! [ even though I am hating every moment of sharing my life and time with them???? ]”

” But I love my house and have spent years making it the perfect place to live and I do not want to leave that. I love this place and so do the kids [ but I hate my actual life here???? ]”

” But then I will not have the money I need to live [ I haven't worked for years ]”

” But I can not walk away – I do not want to hurt the other person involved – they do not deserve that [ they still love me and I will feel bad - but I feel pretty bad now too actually ]”

” But what other job could I get? This is safe and secure. [even though I find it incredibly stressful and not at all rewarding ]”

And so it goes. All the reasons to stay in the situation that is causing so much misery and angst – but not one reason put forward as to why leaving could be a better option.

So – with these thoughts in place – I now take you back to the Caroline Myss conference I recently attended.

We had been discussing choices, and taking responsibility for your actions and the importance of never actively seeking to hurt another person. So I posed this question to her [ on behalf of all these people I have had coming in and out of my life over the past decade, who seem to be suffering from this exact problem ]

I raised my hand and asked:

” But how can you walk away from someone in your life, if you know that you will cause them unhappiness. If you know they still love you. If you know they still wish to be with you. Would you not be then causing them harm?”

To be honest – I was expecting a little bit of silence for an answer to be formulated –  but she did not skip a beat and required no time to think at all.

Caroline Myss looked me straight in the eye and responded immediately and quickly and resolutely like this:

” It’s better to walk away, if you are going to make the other person miserable every day, by punishing them for making you captive in a situation you hate. Because you will certainly be making it obvious to them, each and every day, that they are the source of all your misery.”

She then went on.

” We all walk away from someone. Be honest with the other person, but do not blame them for your unhappiness and your decision to walk away. Leave with honour and integrity. We are all the people being walked away from, and we are all, at some point the person doing the walking away.”

Now in fairness to Caroline Myss – these may not be her exact words, as I was scribbling down what I could as fast as I could ha ha ah ha – but you get the general idea.

And these words hit me like a tonne of bricks.

Words anchored in wisdom.

Words anchored in integrity.

Words anchored in the honouring of one’s own life journey, as well as that of the people around you.

Words anchored in personal responsibility.

We seem to have become a world of martyrs where people “stay for the sake of others in the picture”.

The children.

The partner.

The lover.

The company you work for.

But is this really the truth of the situation?

Or is it really that you simply do not have the courage, integrity and fortitude to leave?

Is it simpler to stay and blame the other people in your life for what you perceive as your miserable circumstances?

The crappy job or the unsatisfying home life.

And in doing so – do you actually sentence the other people in your life, to a life of guilt and sadness, as they take on all that guilt and responsibility for your inability to be happy. As they take on all the responsibility for you and your state of mind?

I loved the light Caroline Myss shone on this issue.

Right into the deep dark crevice of human behaviours. She shone a torch so brightly for me, into this chasm…… that it lit up like a Xmas Tree!

And I suddenly ……….. got it!

So – I guess what I wanted to share with you all today is this.

If you are in a situation that is not bringing joy to you, and to those around you – then perhaps it is time to walk away.

But walk away with love.

Walk away with honour.

Walk away with integrity.

Walk away with dignity.

Allow that other person to also move on and find sustenance with someone who truly values them, loves them and chooses to be 100% anchored in to them and their life story. Not a miserable presence, suffering in deafening silence because you do not have the courage to move away.

Leave that job you hate, and allow everyone else there to enjoy their work environment without your constant misery and complaining, and find a job to which you can bring joy and light and love every day.

Of course – you always need to honour your financial responsibilities and committments to others.

Of course – you need to honour the people you walk away from.

Of course – you need to honour any familial responsibilities that may exist.

Of course – you should see out any activities you have committed to at work and give appropriate notice in order to make any transition easy and comfortable for all.

But there are always options. You just need to look for them and take responsibility for your actions.

And I certainly believe, these transitions  can be made in an honourable way that is couched in integrity and seeing to all your responsibilities along the way.

You don’t just ” hit the road and don’t look back”.

But equally – if you stay – just what is the price you and all those around you may be paying?

So whether at work, at home or in a romantic relationship – it is always prudent to ask yourself:

Stay and Pay ?  - Or Walk Away ?

And only you can answer these questions.

#DiscoverYouLoveYouBeYou

Christine