SOMETIMES WINNING IS NOT WINNING AT ALL.

I recently had the most enlightening conversation with a friend of mine, over a nice cup of tea and she pointed out a concept that I had never really given much thought.

The idea she presented to me was one of: what exactly is “winning an argument”?

This really is an interesting question and before we go any further I invite you to write down your answer to this question. What would you consider the hallmarks of winning an argument with someone? How do you define “winning” in a conflicting or adversarial situation? Just take 5 minutes to really think about this and jot down four to five responses.

You may have answered:

1. Getting them to see my point of view

2. Getting the other person to concede that I am right and they are wrong

3. Getting the other person to agree that they do not have all the facts and so their opinion is not based in fact or an educated view

4. Bringing the other person to a place of retreat for some reason

5. Convincing the other person their idea is stupid

The list can go on and on, but I guess for most people, the idea of “winning an argument” or any other sort of conflict/discussion, is about taking the upper hand in some sort of way. Having your idea trump all the others in some way. Getting your way basically. Whether the other side acquiesces to your opinion, gives in, runs away, pleads ignorance, or bows to your profound intelligence and wisdom, the fundamental basis to success here, is the idea of forcing your opponent to give up their position or idea in some way.

But what has this really created?

Most likely the other person will be left feeling unappreciated, under valued, unheard, unimportant and perhaps uninformed. And these feelings will certainly not lead to a great relationship in the future. So one really has to ask:

Did I really  just win that argument?

Or did I simply exacerbate feelings of mistrust and negativity with the other person making them feel alone, isolated, unhappy, unappreciated and unwilling to engage in future discourse with me?

I guess it is indicative of that old saying ” You may have won the battle, but you won’t win the war”

So what could be another way around when you find yourself in a battle of some kind? When you are not in agreement with someone and when you find yourself simply on the other side of a debate of some sort?

How about this!

You win when you make the other person feel loved.

You win when you make the other person feel valued.

You win when you make the other person feel heard.

Because at the end of the day – most of us do not need to WIN. Most of us just want to be heard and valued for our own opinion. Whether everyone else agrees or not, is often not the point at all. It is more to the point that we are heard, seen and valued for our contribution to the discussion.

And imagine if we all went into an argument or conflict with this as the basic premise and concern:

I need to make sure the other person feels seen and heard and loved and validated for their perspective in this situation. 

Wow – what a difference it could really make. because the starting point would be coming from a nurturing place as opposed to an adversarial one. All parties would be truly seen as equal and valued.

So I guess the message here is that, you haven’t won an argument when you get your point across to the other person. You win the argument, when you allow the other person to feel they can get their opinion across to you. And they feel loved and validated and supported as they do so.

Perhaps from this perspective, a better understanding of each person’s position can truly clear the way for a compromise or way forward to be reached.

I must admit that I am not always the most understanding and tactful of people and I tend to have quite robust opinions on a lot of things, so this particular idea really got me thinking. How can I interact with others in a conflicting/disagreement situation and allow the other person to feel loved and appreciated, whilst still holding true to my own ideals. I have never been one to compromise ha ha ha and can be quite stubborn at times – not my finest attribute in some cases ha ha.

But the answer I guess is once again to simply come from a position of LOVE.

To try and walk in the other guy’s shoes, so to speak.

To try and understand their perspective.

To simply allow them to feel loved and valued throughout the discussion.

To try and come from their perspective and allow them to be heard.

And if both sides were coming from this place of: You win when you make the other person feel loved…….imagine the possibilities that may exist for conflict resolution both on a personal, professional and global scale.

For some this may sound quite Utopian……..perhaps looking to a global scale is a pipe dream? But it is a lovely dream to have and perhaps all good things start as a simple idea, a dream and a possibility…

But one thing is for sure, we can all start this practice on a personal level, in our own lives and life experience. So if you think you could benefit from giving this idea go, then saddle up and ride out into your life with a new found determination to make every argument or difference of opinion, a new found opportunity for your opponent to be heard, loved and feel valued, despite their perspective being different to yours.

Does it mean that we all end up agreeing on everything?

Certainly not. It just means we allow the other side to feel valued, and loved, and heard, when they come to the table with their view. And perhaps this small matter of attitude, is the key to making big change?

Perhaps the attitude with which you enter the discussion or conflict is actually more important and impactful than the words or actions you bring?

You win when you make the other person feel loved.

You win when you make the other person feel valued.

You win when you make the other person feel heard.

Definitely something to think about.

A huge thank you to my gorgeous friend who brought this idea to my attention.

A concept well worthy of future analysis, thought and discussion.

#DiscoverYou #LoveYou #BeYou

- Christine -