The Kingdom of Singledom and the Couples Conspiracy

Being a woman well into her 40′s I am constantly surprised and amazed that the question of whether I have a boyfriend, have children etc etc never seems to get old. It is as if those few elements of my womanhood are all that matter.

For some reason – being a woman seems to dictate that you follow some sort of societal rule and if you do not follow along this path people seem to become quite confused and disoriented as to who you are and into which one of “their preconceived boxes” they should slot you into. It is also interesting to me how difficult some people find it to pursue a conversation with you as a single, childless, boyfriend-less woman.

“What?” they often exclaim, in a semi horrified state of disbelief.

” Oh – you don’t have any children?” – followed by a sympathetic look or gesture.

Then you usually hear ” You still have a bit of time before your biological clock runs out…..how old are you now? I have a friend and she just had a baby and she is 43″  -  followed by an encouraging look.

And then the good old standard comes out invariably ” But you are so attractive etc etc  - how can you not have a boyfriend?”

At this point I am usually laughing on the inside, whilst quietly maintaining  a semblance of decorum on the outside.

For me, this whole line of questioning and assertion is based on one very flawed and ill conceived principal.

That principal being that women are to be chosen by men.

The idea that the men do the choosing whilst the women just sit about hoping and praying to be chosen.

The very much antiquated idea that if you are single it is because” you were not chosen”.

I personally find this notion so incredibly one sided, bizarre and sexist. Do not both people in a relationship choose to be in that pairing? Do not both people choose the other? Do not both people choose to invest in this other person as their life companion?

The idea that perhaps a woman is single because she has not chosen anyone just doesn’t seem to get much airplay or traction.

And where does this leave women.

It leaves women buying into this hackneyed notion that you have to be with a man or partner of choice to be quantified and validated as a human being. Meanwhile, if a man is single, it is usually assumed that is because he has played it smart and managed to not get “tied down to” a wife. Like they say: ” Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”!

I have to say that as a woman I think the time has come for women to stop buying into this stereotype.

We need to stop buying into this mirage, that without a partner you have failed in some way.

We need to stop buying into this double standard that does nothing to advance us as women and everything to rip down our self esteem.

In short – it is time to look for a new paradigm. A new way of being. A new place to call home.

At this point in time , I may have  a few people screaming at their laptops that I am some sort of man hating feminist – but let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.

I am a true blue man lover.

100%.

But – I have just not met that Mister Someone that I want to spend a considerable amount of my time with.

And as for children –  I got my fill of that nurturing and inspiring and caring while teaching children for over 25 years. But I have never felt the urge to have a child of my own. I simply missed that gene.

I know – craziness, madness, unheard of ha ha ha!

Now for all those couples out there, happily hitched and loving life – I am not at all discounting or invalidating your experience. Quite the contrary – good for you. I am merely saying that not everyone has that experience and not everyone goes down that path – and that is OK.

Be single. Be a couple. Be child free. Be child full.

Be whatever you want to be. But please – can we all stop living in La La Land believing that single women are single because of some failure on their part to impress a suitable man.

I would say the same goes for men too – but I have to say that the assumption is already made that a single man is single by choice. It is only women who seem to suffer the moniker of “single by rejection and failure to impress.”

Singledom or Coupledom – let’s all just let people be.

Discover You. Love You and Be You – whether that is in partnership with another or travelling the Highway of Life single, solo and sensational.

Don’t buy into the hype.

Don’t play the game.

Don’t feel less than, because you choose to spend time alone.

Because – lets remember a very important thing. Alone does not equal lonely – they are two very different things and a life as a single person can be just as exciting, gratifying, stimulating and rewarding as that of someone who is in a couple.

The Couples Conspiracy would have us believe that we need to be part of their club to have fun and feel loved and nurtured and validated. But I am here to say – no way.

Live your life on your own terms and do not be dictated to by others expectations. If you want to find a “coupling experience” – sure – go for it and enjoy. But if you like being single, stick with it and live your life.

- Christine -