For most of us, especially those approaching their 40’s and beyond, there will be segments of our lives, each one dotted with the friends and acquaintances particular to that period. And then, in the most special and extraordinary of instances, there are those gem like friendships that stand the test of time and remain constant, resistant to the challenges of travel, distance, family, changing life paths and other such occurrences.

Quite recently I found myself taking stock of all the incredible and amazing people who have passed through my life, both recently, and way back into my school days. And I have to say – what a ride I have had. The person who exists today, this Christine Denny as she exists right here and now, is not only down to me – but also down to this vast myriad of people who have come in and out of the revolving door of my life experience.

I like to think of my life as some sort of Grand Hotel, so to speak, with a great set of fabulous rotating doors, leading into the lobby. You now the ones – all brass and glass and usually swinging about quite swiftly ha ah ha! Some people think the entry point looks way too complicated and precarious to negotiate, so simply walk on by, not even bothering to investigate what is on offer, and risk getting snaffled in the swiftly moving doors. Some get into the revolving door, take a peek into the lobby, go around a few times to make certain, then decide to just keep on spinning around and exit straight out the other side ha ha. Some get into the revolving door, exit into the lobby, stay a while, have a few cocktails or a delightful afternoon tea and then leave. And others move from the lobby up into one of the designer penthouse suites and take up residence for the long haul.

What is incredibly interesting to me is that some of the people I was sure would be in the penthouse for quite a while, sipping on a margarita and admiring the view. People I would grow old with. People whose friendships I was certain would last the distance.  People whose company and ideas I treasured the most. Some of these people are actually the people who have checked out of my hotel prematurely and unexpectedly. These valued and treasured parts of my life, were simply one day no longer there.

No longer available.

Clearly they no longer found me of interest, value or worth in their lives?

Clearly they had moved on to what they perceived as “bigger and better” things and people?

Clearly that meant that I was defective in some sort of way?

Having been put out with the garbage, so to speak, is not a nice feeling at all.

Clearly this sort of thing packs a real punch – and we have all experienced it.

We are left exclaiming the proverbial – “ what the? “ as we make the jump to the realization that we shall have to negotiate the rest of our life without this well weathered and trusted friend. We are left asking a whole host of questions about what we did wrong. What we said wrong.

What the hell happened?

What I have finally realized is that, not all our friendships are meant to last a lifetime.

Not everyone who comes into our life is meant to stay.

I did nothing wrong.

You did nothing wrong.

We were just meant to have these people in our lives for a shorter period of time then we anticipated.

We learned our lessons from them.

We grew and blossomed and found out important stuff about ourselves through them and their contribution to our lives.

Maybe we didn’t blossom so much on the surface and the end of the friendship was upsetting or disturbing or abusive. But if we look inward and look to the deeper elements of the friendship, we will see that we grew with this person – and they grew with us. We shared ourselves and our lessons with each other. Grabbing a nightcap in our lobby or chatting over a coffee in the café, we experienced each other and all we had to offer each other. And now – it is time to grow in another direction, with other friendships activating our tools of self -discovery.

Everyone has their very own Grand Hotel that they are running and servicing and sometimes, you just can not be a long-term guest in their hotel. Perhaps they do not have enough rooms available, as new guests have booked in?  Perhaps the guest in Suite 404 is giving them a lot of trouble, requires greater attention and you are the inevitable fall out? Perhaps they recently closed their hotel and are re-opening in a new location? Perhaps their hotel is under renovation and there is simply no room for the old furniture? Perhaps you have new requirements as a guest – you want Mexican food for dinner each night, but their restaurant only serves Thai? You want a turn down service but they do not have the capacity to offer such things?

It has taken me so long to see, that my friendships are not all about me.

It has taken me so long to see that there are many variables in sustaining a friendship or relationship of any sort and these variables exist on both sides.

In both hotels.

In both people’s lives.

Not just in my Grand Establishment.

The simple and sometimes cruel reality is that friendship is a two way street.

You can not force someone to want to be your friend.

You can not force someone to want to spend time with you.

You can not run the race of friendship on your own.

It takes two.

But here is where the magic and mystery lies.

If you look closely into those lost friendships, you will see that in 99% of the cases, when one friendship exited stage left so to speak, another friendship would have entered stage right. Most of the times, as one person leaves the lobby of your life, another person will come through the back door and decide to stay a while, order and beverage and take off their coat.

So do not despair, the next time a friendship or relationship ends. Trust in the process of life and know that someone else will be entering your life soon to take you to new experiences and new times. Someone else will enter to fill the gap. You can trust in that for sure.

Be vigilant as these new people and experiences come into view though, as if you are too busy wallowing in the loss of what and who went before, you may miss the new people and opportunities that are presenting themselves. Also be cognizant of the fact that the new person coming into your life could be you.  That’s right. The irrepressible and wonderful you, could be needing a little alone time to work on a new project or to simply be –taking stock of the journey so far and where to set off to next.

So relax.

Follow your heart.

Trust that a new horizon awaits you and take the necessary steps to get there.

Some of the most important friendships along my life path have been those that no longer exist, or those that are only nourished sporadically.

So instead of mourning the loss of a friendship – celebrate what is gave you. Celebrate what it taught you. Rejoice in the good fortune you had in meeting that person and spending time with them, safe in the knowledge that a new and exciting adventure is just outside your door, waiting to enter, when the vacancy sign is visible from the path.

So hang out the shingle to your Hotel. Let it be a Grand Hotel of your making.

But remember, that some of these guests will come and go at will, through your revolving door, and this is exactly as it should be.

Discover.

Love.

Be.

- Christine -

Truth be told however, I do not really consider any of the relationships in my life to be toxic and that is the point if this blog.

Sure  – some relationships are not healthy if they are allowed to fester and continue on, in an abusive or non-productive way. The key when faced with this sort of  dynamic, is to recognize it, learn from it and get the hell out. Even the most pleasurable of relationships can “run their course” and suddenly find a need to be discontinued for a plethora of reasons.

No matter what the relationship: familial, social, romantic or work related, it is important to always see the intrinsic value that can be gained from looking at what that particular relationship has brought to your life experience?

What has this person taught you about yourself?

What would you like to repeat in the future?

What would you like to let go of next time around?

Human relationships are some of the most tricky, confusing, upsetting, rewarding and life affirming experiences that we can ever have. We can find ourselves very quickly loving or “not so loving” the other part of our relationship equation that is for sure. But the other thing that is a dead set certainty, is that no matter the dynamic of your friendships, romances, acquaintances and family ties they will all be lining up to teach you a thing or two about yourself.

The trickiest part of this equation is to be aware that there might be something from you to learn.

Instead of seeing things as I am right and they are wrong. Or we are so in love and he/she is just so perfect. Or I can’t believe they treated me that way etc  – take a step back and try to see the inherent beauty in the lesson that lies waiting for you beneath the surface.

It has been said that most people in our lives are reflecting back to us a partial image of ourselves. Mmmmmm – that is a little uncomfortable to hear isn’t it. So that incredibly aggravating boss, or ex-best friend, or judgmental parent, or uncaring ex-lover had traits that we ourselves have? No way! That can not be true? Or can it?

We bring into our lives people who can facilitate our growth as human beings after all. That is why we are here on this great big planet, spinning about the place with reckless abandon. We are meant to be figuring it out. Figuring ourselves out. And the best way to do that is through a series of relationships of all different sorts with different people and varying dynamics.

These are usually the most useful of all relationships.

Have you ever found yourself attracted over and over again to the same “type” of person who manages to push the same old buttons over and over again? Gee – I wonder why that is?

Heads up people.

It is a lesson.

A lesson you need to learn before you can move on to a place where you do not attract this same aggravation into your life again.

No doubt you will move on to a whole new set of aggravations ha ha ha – that is life.

There is always a challenge to be had. Life is not meant to be a series of canapés and cocktails at the yacht club. Sometimes your beer goes flat and the seagulls make off with your fish and chips. You just have to laugh it off and keep on going.

So the message here is really quite simple. No matter what the dynamic of the relationship you have with any person in your life – it is a vehicle for inner understanding and a processing of what is of true value to you.

An exercise in reflecting upon how you wish to be in the world.

The way other people treat you, relate to you, speak to you, interact with you, negotiate with you, play with you, caress you, seduce you, mistreat you, abuse you, misunderstand you, misrepresent you, support you, love you, respect you, cherish you, assist you, get to know you, follow you, betray you, help you. All these elements are a wonderful barometer of how things are going in your world.

They are a great barometer of how the world sees us.

And how we treat others, in these same relationships is a great barometer of how we see the world.

We reflect back to each other so many interesting aspects of ourselves.

Past hurts.

Past joys.

Expectations based on our history and experiences.

The key here is to really appreciate and exploit the opportunities that lie in each and every relationship we have in our lives. Whether pleasurable, painful or poisonous – they are all perfect in each and every way and exist as pure potentiality for our  growth and change.

Most of us exist in a world where we can choose to end a relationship or friendship and move on. So do not feel sad when that time comes.

Perhaps that match has come to an end?

Perhaps the lessons have been learned?

Perhaps you have finally “got it” and you are moving on to a new and exciting chapter in your life?

Perfection is often in the imperfection of all our life experiences.

Teaching us what we need to know and leading us on our never-ending journey of self-discovery.

So forge ahead everyone and be grateful for each and every lesson that comes screaming into your life, whether it creates harmony or disharmony. For each and every person that enters your domain, whether they create a world of sweet content or a whole lot of bitterness and aggravation.

The lesson will be there.

Look for it.

Find it.

Learn from it.

Can there possibly be anything better?

-Christine-